If I Ran The Download Process

First: I'm sorry that I haven't posted in a while; I've been sick.

Second: Why does the mighty rule for titles require "the" to not be capitalized?  I tried to put the title of this post with "the" not capitalized, and it looked really weird!

Third: The real blog post:

Recently I have incurred quite a few more "would you like to downloads" than I have in the past.  Apparently to do anything you must first download nine different pre-programs, which require another three pre-programs each, and those sometimes require more pre-programs, and when you have all the pre-programs ever in the History of ever installed you might be able to finally play the game that you spent $20 for.  Furthermore, they don't alert you that while downloading any of these pre-programs, you are not allowed to touch your computer.  If you are to do anything with your computer while it is in the process of downloading, it is 900 times more likely to malfunction, shut off, die, or implode.

I have a solution to this problem:

Instead of having 27+ pre-programs to install, I would design a single program with the size of those 27 programs that would do all the same things that those programs do, but all in one simple program.  Also, when downloading my program you would have four options when it is prompted: Would you like to download?

Yes.  No.  Help.  (Those three usually come with any download that you see, my addition would be:)  Will downloading this program rend my computer useless for the next four and a half days?

If you were to click that last program there would be a single simple answer: yes.  Now it'll be very simple for you to get all of the programs you could possibly need to play any game you might want to play.  In the next few pages that people usually skip, rather than giving a long list of things that you need to know about using this device, I'd put a few simple reminders:

1) If you have any other game installed, you have likely already downloaded this pre-program and do not need to waste the next four days of your life to find the pop-up that reads: "Would you like to replace the originally saved program, or would you like to cancel your download?"

2) Do not break the law by using this program.  (Because most of the time the terms of use are federal, local, or state law in most places and really don't need to be listed because if you don't follow the law you get in trouble regardless of whether I went to the trouble of informing you what the law is.)

3) Please treat others using this program with the same respect that you hope to receive for waiting four days to play a video game.  (Just because that's common courtesy.)

After sifting through the "warnings," the download would begin.  I've noticed that the download process is rather boring.  A blue line begins to grow.  Well that captivates my attention for about 20 seconds, then I want something new.  I would allow you to select what downloading screen you would like to watch, and my choices would range from duelling dragons to strobe lights to television shows to funny pictures.  I think that would be much more interesting than some bland blue line.

Also, I would not enable a cancel button.  If you didn't want to download the program, you shouldn't have chosen to download it in the first place.  I've had it happen too many times: my brother gets angry at me so he cancels a fourteen hour download, my cat jumps onto the desk and some bad luck cancels a seven hour download (which I didn't get to see until I got home from school three hours later), or an earthquake knocks the mouse onto the floor and clicks the button right on the cancel button (it happens).  I would have no cancel button.

Finally, when the program is done downloading, there would be an explosion of fireworks, and a congradulatory applause with people cheering!  I've always felt that having the patienct to wait for days on end for something to download deserved praise.  When it was all said and done, there would be no question of whether you were absolutely sure you wanted to save it, and no afterward thank yous or anything because I'm sure that after dealing with me for four days, you don't want my thanks.  The fireworks and cheers would end, and the program would leave your screen to forever work in the background while you play your video game without ever acknowledging that you have my program again.  When it felt like it wasn't getting enough credit for your ability to slay the level 96 Dragonkinwarlockelderblogmasterrule34 boss, it would infect your computer with a terrible, uncurable, monitor destroying virus.

And it would be so worth all the sueing that I would later incur.

If you like it, spread it like the plague.